After Nigel Farage called for the children of immigrants to be classed as immigrants themselves I have obtained an exclusive list of other groups that the UKIP leader, backed up by his chums at Migration Watch, also wants to reclassify:
– The grandchildren of immigrants. A logical extension as their parents are now immigrants, so they are now, technically, the children of immigrants themselves.
– People born on British soil overseas. It’s close enough, I mean, it’s abroad really. (Incidentally, this includes me. Which also makes my children immigrants)
– Anybody who has ever used the phrases “ciao”, “je ne sais qoi” or “schadenfreude”
– Anybody with a foreign name; e.g. Marco, Maria, Jean, Peter…
– People named after foreign places; e.g. Paris, Dakota, India, Sofia…
– People with narrow eyes. You know why!
– People who have recently been on holiday to a foreign country and came back with darker than normal skin.
– Lefties. They’re probably Russian or something.
– Paddington Bear (Peruvian)
– Doctor Who (Gallifreyan)
– Whoever decommissioned the Black & White Minstrel Show
– Scottish people who don’t have red hair (Something dodgy there)
– Caravanners (They’re essentially Gypsies)
– Anybody living in Rochester who doesn’t drive a white van
– Grey squirrels
Obviously this isn’t an exhaustive list, but it goes a long way towards explaining why 126% of the UK population are immigrants and only UKIP can solve it.