Last week the Education Secretary, Michael Gove, announced that all schools in England and Wales will be made to teach and instill “British Values”. This, inevitably, led to a torrent of derision and cynicism by many “enemies of progress”, as Gove would call them, or “people”, as the rest of us would call them.
Much of the questioning of Mr Gove’s latest piece of populist, I’ll thought out, Toby Young-friendly claptrap centres around the actual definition of British Values. What are they? Are they the same for everyone? Is thinking Michael Gove is a wally a British Value or just sound common sense?
Well, wonder no more. Thanks to an exclusively
made up leaked document, I can reveal the exhaustive list of values our children will have forced upon them.
(Or, one man’s quest to create peace and harmony by getting everybody to think just as he does)
1) Queueing: This is the very essence of Britishness. The ability to stand, patiently, in an orderly line to wait for anything from a bus to that great British institution, the Foodbank (see ‘Hating Lefties’). One must remember that a queue is to be joined at the back and the order of the queue must be adhered to at all times*.
(*The following exceptions are in place to allow particular groups to to straight to the front of any queue: Old people (buses only), pregnant ladies (buses only), people with a large amount of money (any cases except buses, which they would never be seen on) and multi-million pound corporations)
2) Fairness: Fairness is British to its very core and Britain is fair to its very core. The two go hand in hand, like fish and chips, bacon and eggs or Downing Street advisers and private voicemail messages. We must strive for fairness for all*.
(*’All’ is defined as pre approved groups of people or bodies who meet the requirements set out by the governing party of the time, the Daily Mail and the Rupert Murdoch owned media. Failure to be mentioned on said list will automatically render persons or bodies as ‘un-British’)
3) Justice: (see ‘Fairness’)
4) Hating Lefties: People who hold views which are further to the left of the Conservative Party are ‘Lefties’. These people have a warped view that anybody can be British simply by living here, being born here and contributing to society and the economy, regardless of ethnic background, political persuasion, religion, class or wealth. This is dangerous and a social heresy. They are un-British, enemies of progress and must be ignored and derided at all costs. The following words are available to use when insulting anyone you feel may be a dangerous ‘Leftie’: socialist, leftard, Red-[insert name here], Guardianista, liberal elite. People connected with public services, the BBC or Twitter are automatically “Lefties”. Some will attempt to subvert the ‘Big Society’ by seemingly taking part in it, but they will slip up by criticising the above definition of ‘Fairness’ and show themselves to simply be trying to further their evil agenda (e.g. foodbanks)
5) Capitalism: The economic idyll which is ‘Capitalism’ is what has made this country great. Our economy is built on it. Our jobs depend on it. Worthless towns have been decimated by its goodness. Worthless lives transformed into money making machines by it. Everything you have is because of it. If you have nothing, that is your fault you lazy, scrounging, good for nothing scumbag, you must bow down to the profit.
6) Football: The sport we invented, then benevolently gave to the world. It is vital that you are seen to support a football team, even if you have no interest in the game. Failure to do so will leave you outcast, ridiculed and unelectable. At least 10 referenced to “the lads” must be made each day during international tournaments. Go team!
7) Our Brave Boys: Our armed forces are heroes. They can do no wrong. They bravely defend us against the scourge of terrorism in deserts thousands of miles away so that we can live in freedom. We salute them, deify them, excuse any wrongdoing by them in the media, send them into pointless wars with almost no equipment, tell them they’re surplus to requirement, treat them as benefit scrounging scum once we have made them redundant and treat their grieving relatives with disdain when they’re killed in action. We love our brave boys.
8) Christianity: Christianity is at the forefront of what it is to be British. After all, did those feet in ancient times not walk upon England’s mountains green? I mean, we’re not sure whose feet, but it’s important, nevertheless. This is a Christian Country. Let us be very clear about this, when we say ‘Christian’ we mean two things – right wing and not Muslim. None of this ‘helping the poor, feeding the sick, love your fellow man’ brand of socialism which some Church leaders would have you believe (see “Hating Lefties”). Christianity is a useful label to define ourselves in order to separate us from the more undesirable elements of society. Quite what the Church or Jesus have to do with it is beyond us.
9) British is Best: From our history to our literature, Britain has always been head and shoulders above the rest of the world. As such, there is to be an emphasis on Britain, its place in the world and our view of history in all schools. If it worked in North Korea then it can work here.
10) What’s in it for me?: This is the question we should always be asking ourselves. If you cannot gain from something or you will lose out because of something or someone then that is bad. If you will gain, even at somebody else’s expense, then that is good. Simple! Even the fear that something may change which you do not want to change is enough for something to be a ‘bad thing’ or ‘outrage’. When arguing against the ‘outrage’ capital letters must be used to highlight certain words to show how DISGUSTING the outrage is, especially if aimed at LEFTARDS and SCROUNGERS. It cannot be stressed enough that the only person you need to think about is you, despite what others may tell you (see “Hating Lefties” and “Christianity”)
Well, that should clear that up. Now we know what British Values are there can be no further argument.